Kindergarten Copstarring Arnold Schwarzenegger as an LA cop going undercover in small-town Astoria as a kindergarten teacher is already 30 years old, and still bringing on the laughter. Schwarzenegger's John Kimble encounters a challenge in teaching a classroom of children but soon finds he may truly have a calling as a teacher.
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He falls in love with the ex-wife of the man he's long been after and successfully closes his case, but it's not without some bumps in the road, and given all the action and the darnedest things that kids say, it provided plenty of memorable quotes.
"I'm The Party Pooper."
Kimble allows himself into a club uninvited to bug Cindy, a witness, into identifying Crisp out of a line-up. He shoots up the place a bit with his shotgun, and when someone demands to know who he is, the above quote is his response. The way Kimble says it so heartily and casually before he shoots at the couch the guy is sitting on is what makes the line so hilarious in true Arnold Schwarzenegger fashion. Schwarzenegger gives an ordinary sentence a whole new meaning in this particular scene.
"You Know, Kindergarten Is Like The Ocean. You Don't Want To Turn Your Back On It."
Perfectly worded advice, coming from Joyce, a fellow teacher and the mother of one of Kimble's students that turns out to be the woman Kimble's looking for, and later falls in love with. If left unsupervised, young children will find all kinds of mischief and trouble in record-breaking time.
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Joyce probably already knew Kimble would be returning to disaster, which he did, and he lost it. It was a lesson learned the hard way on Kimble's part.
"If You Don't Stop Screwing Around Back There, This Is What I'm Gonna Do With You."
On their flight from Los Angeles to Oregon, Kimble and Phoebe are unfortunately placed in front of kids. One has a tendency to keep kicking Kimble's seat. No one wants to endure that for an entire flight, but Kimble being Kimble freaks out the poor kid by saying the above quote and snapping a pencil in half, leaving the kid wide-eyed, a little pale, and quietly sitting in his seat. It worked, but it's safe to say that Kimble's way with children, alongside his patience, greatly improved by the film's end.
"I'm Not A Policeman, I'm A Princess!"
The first time young Emma says this, it's with far more confidence. When she repeats it, it's softer as she looks up at the tall and scary-looking Kimble. She tries rebelling against Kimble's "police school" but does so unsuccessfully, no doubt intimidated by Kimble.
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She was breaking the rules and wasn't doing what everyone else was doing, but kids have minds of their own. Kimble had to be firm with her before she did as she was told, but it's not likely Emma grew up to be a police officer, especially after that experience.
"You Can't Just Walk In Here And Put A Gun In My Face. I'm Trying To Get A Manicure."
Crisp is an evil man; it's no wonder Kimble's been after him for so long and wants to protect Joyce and Dominic from him. Still, sometimes Crisp has his moments. He says the above quote with a controlled anger in the film's beginning as Kimble storms in to arrest him, and of all the things he could've said, this is what Crisp came up with, which was more than perfect for the scene. Richard Tyson was definitely the right actor to play the villain.
"What Did It Feel Like To Hit That Son Of A B****?"
Kimble's expecting Principal Schlowski to be furious with him over hitting a parent, a father who's been abusing his son and wife, out in the open where students accidentally witnessed it. However, he's surprised when she asks this question.
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He admits that it felt good, to which she smiles, and once he leaves, she throws a mighty punch into the air, no doubt envisioning the abusive father as her target. At this point in the movie, it seems Principal Schlowski began to like and hold more respect for Kimble, whereas before she'd thought he'd fail and quit.
"On Second Thought, Take The Gun."
A sick Phoebe is unable to conduct her position as the undercover kindergarten teacher, forcing Kimble to take her place. As he prepares to go, he asks Phoebe how he looks and she initially tells him to take off the gun. The quote above is her reconsideration after Kimble questions how much trouble six-year-olds could be. Given his disastrous first day, perhaps Phoebe had a point.
"Our Mom Says That Our Dad Is A Real Sex Machine."
While Kimble's questioning the kids on their fathers and what they do, this is the answer from twin girls. Kids repeat what they hear, but surely their mother would be mortified to learn the girls repeated this to their kindergarten teacher.
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They don't know what it means, but adults do. The innocent way they say it is part of what makes the quote so hilarious, as well as the look Kimble gives them as he listens. Well, Kimble wasn't expecting that for an answer. It just proves kids are unpredictable.
"Not So Tough Without Your Car, Are Ya?"
While trying to find a way back inside the school, which is on fire, Phoebe is hit by a car, driven by Crisp's mother. It temporarily incapacitates her, before Phoebe finds another way inside and takes out Crisp's mother with a baseball bat, without much fight from the older woman. Phoebe got her revenge, and she had a witty quote to go along with it. Unless there's a car involved, Crisp's mother won't win in a fight, and Phoebe proves she's strong, given she can get hit by a vehicle and keep on fighting.
"Boys Have A Penis And Girls Have A vagin*."
One of the boys in Kimble's class says this on his first day, making everyone laugh. It's certainly quite the icebreaker, and it becomes something of a recurring joke, given the boy later says this to Kimble's partner, Phoebe, who comments that Kimble's "covered the basics." Audiences can't help but snicker when they hear this statement.
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